35 weeks
It’s close. It’s really close now.Today marks 35 weeks into Abbey’s stay in my womb. Four weeks before I’m in the technical “safe zone” to deliver. Three weeks before I go on the date I set as “maternity leave”. That’s one week before I’m in the clear to having the labor at my regular hospital. You know that technically makes me a week away from 9 months, right?!
I still look at myself in the mirror and have to do a double-take most of the time. It’s like I got big overnight. I forget I’m pregnant a lot. Although, the last few weeks is becoming more and more glaringly hard to forget.
I think I may be freaking out just a little bit. I’ve been putting off refreshing myself on the books that helped me mentally prepare me for PJ’s birth– in terms of relaxation, gravity poses, things like that. Mainly because I’m in denial that it’s coming so soon, I’m pretty sure. I mean, the idea of having a second is one I’m so excited about. It was already in my mind a few months after having PJ, solidified watching her play with anyone older or younger than her. The reality setting in of actually having the second one is totally different.
There’s all those questions, again. Will the labor go ok? Will it be shorter or longer? Will she be healthy? Will she look like PJ or different? How different will her personality be from PJ? Will I spend enough time with her having to split my time with a two-year-old, too? What will it be like to juggle the two? To go back to work so early? To babysit three on the days I don’t work? Will it be harder or easier than PJ or the same? Will I be able to have help? And how?
It’s just a whole different ball game. I hear mixed stories– it’s easier with two because you’ve been around the block, it’s harder with two in the beginning until they’re able to play together. I know enough from PJ to know it’s a different story for everyone, because the temperament of each kid is different. I take those stories with a grain of salt when people give me their take on how it will be. So I don’t know what to expect. That part is tough for me.
Sometimes, I think I might just get blind-sided because PJ, from everything I’ve heard from friends/family and everything from what I’ve read, is classified in all cases as “easy” and that was still a total transition for me. Will I have a total meltdown if this one is different? There are some that say the way your pregnancy went will have a determining factor in their temperament— if you’re more stressed, they have more stress hormones and may be more colicky, if you eat better then they’ll eat better, etc etc.
PJ’s I was just so careful and over-prepared in every way. I figure, if there’s anything I can do to give PJ a better opportunity at whatever, I want to do it. This pregnancy I was just so relaxed about everything and didn’t treat or look at myself as fragile like the first time. Having PJ to take care of, starting my own small business, and just life really preoccupied me for the most part. I still exercised, and ate reasonably well, but it wasn’t with the utmost focus and priority I had the first time. I mostly just let the pregnancy take it’s course and check in once in awhile to make sure “hey, are you still kicking? Maybe it’s time for another doc appointment, but I’m sure you’re fine in there. What week am I in again??” I really just let it be. You just don’t have time to focus on that and think on that 24/7, which sometimes I’m thankful for. Other times, it makes the pregnancy go WAAAAY too fast.
The other part that gets me is the idea of a routine up in arms again. We’re out of the woods with PJ being high-maintenance in terms of dependence. Once she got mobile, she was just so much easier to deal with. I started having most of the night to myself again and able to sleep in even if she woke up earlier than me. She listens to me (most of the time) and understands and interacts and talks.. talks A LOT. She is quick to comply with what’s asked of her, a quality in her temperament I pray doesn’t go away with her entering her 2′s. PJ and I have motions we go through everyday and I have an order to keeping the house in some kind of organized fashion… finally. I’m actually taking up small hobbies, planning little events, socializing and getting out, again. Now, I’ll have to readjust and figure it out all over again.
I’ve been having Jasman put her to bed now when he can or bathe her, usually things reserved for me to do. I know it won’t completely prepare her for the cold shock of when the baby is actually around, but at least it’ll ease it a little. I’m sad to have to be “on-call” again because it means there will be times PJ wants me and she won’t be able to have my full attention or any at all, maybe.
I worry I won’t give the baby as much interaction time as PJ and that she’ll be deprived in some way that PJ wasn’t, because PJ was the first and only focus as the first child. I feel like splitting my attention between two is some kind of cop-out for the second kid. Although, I should ease myself on that one because I’m the second in my family and I got a lot of attention as the youngest until my brother took that spot. If anything, the youngest probably gets more attention because they’re brand new and in that cute stage. It’s hard to imagine, though, because getting to know PJ so well now, how could anyone upstage that?! It makes me laugh to myself thinking I just said that.
I have all these learning principles I’ve been reading about just ready to conduct with PJ, now that she will be two. You know a lot of toys, activities, and learning games are aimed at 2 years old or above? It’s a little annoying, but I get it. We’ve gotten by aside from the fact, but it’s like a whole new arena opens when she turns two. Will I even have time to do them once there’s a second in the mix?
They say you don’t end up dividing your love, it just seems to continually overflow equally to each of your kids in its own unique way— or something like that. I guess I can see that because I love my husband even more since PJ was born and yet there’s so much love for PJ to begin with. It’s just shown this growth, this character, this side of him I’ve never seen before. For PJ, the more sides of her personality she blossoms, the more my love for her unique self multiplies. I sometimes pull the “stalker” move and go to each of their rooms and lay next to them, adoringly watch each one sleep. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t sleep, or because that love I have tucked away is hard not to dive into full force in the early hours when I think of my family. That’s a new thing for me. I didn’t do that much before when it was just Jasman.
I know PJ will LOVE to have a new sister, and soon a playmate to have as a permanent tag-team, for better or for worse. I know she’ll teach her the ropes and make it that much easier for her to socialize, since she’s had built-in company from birth. I know once Abbey is in the same place PJ is now, she won’t feel deprived of attention from me because they’ll have each other. It’s just the transition, the initial change, is always hard. Change is always tough, especially when I’ve had to settle and resettle different areas of my life so much lately. My late 20′s has just been PACKED with lifestyle changes up the butt.
35 weeks. I’m still contemplating reading that book tonight. Nah.. I’ll think I’ll put it off for at least one more week. Maybe I’ll walk more, though.
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