Pop Quiz:
What do being on the phone with a consulting nurse, being in line for the sandwich bar, putting in a pet reservation for an upcoming flight, attempting a correction to a loved one have in common?
A: They all happened to me in the last two days
B: I would be interrupted; the other person trying to save time by assuming they already knew what I was going to say.
C: I had to pause and calmy ignore the irritation in the voice of the other person (caused by asking a simple question or trying to clarify information), disciplining myself to not chew them out that second.
D: All were aggravating experiences that made me sit in silent anger for a few minutes to recover.
E: All of the Above
If you said E, you are completely correct.
::Breathe Out::
From a very young age I’ve been told that I’m an extremely patient person. You know what really means? All that really means is that I put up with a lot of B.S.
After the 1st occurrence, I thought to myself about “trigger stacking”, when you are triggered quite a few times but you are able to absorb the first few times. You only really go off on someone after the 3rd or 4th time it happens. Dog term, but TOTALLY applicable to people, too. I thought, “Oh yeah, if this happens a few more times I’m totally due.” Kind of trying to stay aware and hopefully recover before I get to That Point.
I thought for a second I might be the pattern. Maybe I’m sounding too passive and easy to step on, or maybe I could’ve not asked the question that caused the irritation that spontaneously flared up in the other person’s voice. The funny thing is the “irritating” question or comment was usually something I was doing to help them save time by clarifying, but instead it was perceived as being a nuisance. I’ve had perfectly pleasant responses before with completely similar questions, but I guess it was just one of those days where no one could be bothered.
So, my conclusion came to this: Everyone Is Too Busy.
When did people become so impatient? Why is it so hard to listen, really listen, before responding? It made me think of a list of things. About the study where even monks studying the parable of the Good Samaritan could pass up a man in pain if they were in a hurry. That how much time you had determined whether or not you were self-absorbed, whether or not you took the time to be nice to another person. The common thread in all of my situations really is that each person I could seriously feel their inner foot tapping trying to get me out of the way so they could get to other tasks at hand. More phone calls, more errands, etc.
I thought about Guy Shamed For Bad Subway Etiquette….
…and how could I respond with annoyed patrons in the non-defensive and kind way that he did. I’m still not really sure how to do that yet so instead I take a beat and try to let the moment pass without calling too much attention to it. That will only work so long, though.
I thought about how often I interrupt people and for the same reason or because I don’t want to hear what they want to say or just because I don’t like long awkward silences so I fill in the gaps maybe too quickly.
I thought about my kids and how when I’m in a time crunch I probably come down the same way on them when they are just asking innocent questions that might sound stupid and not worth answering to me, in my moment of haste, but make perfect sense for their age.
I thought about a few days ago. I was in the middle of being hard on myself for not having enough time to be patient with them and, at that very moment, I witnessed my oldest saying to her younger sister over an open book, “Let’s count together… 1… 2…3…4… 4! Yay! Good job!” Mirroring the same tone and cadence as me, reminding me that I really need to give myself more credit for the patient moments, the good modeling moments, and kind behaviors they are so generously using with each other and with their friends. That my impatient moments are forgiven in the small acts they choose to replay instead.
At the end of the 4th occurrence, my call to add my pet onto a flight reservation, I sat lost in thought and swelled anger at my dining table for a few minutes. I thought of what would’ve happened if I had chewed her out and put her in her place, felt that small burst of inner satisfaction at it, at making her accountable for her actions and tone, but then a long trail of shame following for shaming another so horrendously. How that wouldn’t be worth it. How that would just make the other person defensive, instead of open to feedback, and what good would that do besides that one small moment of taking someone down a notch.
I thought about how its okay to be angry after it all. Addressing that and that anyl person really would be.
Then, I thought about empathy for all the persons who maybe don’t like their job, maybe got chewed out on that last call or last 3 calls, about every nurse who I know who are asked to do more work that what is probably healthy for them, all the lives they are saving around the clock, about the regular person who has a list of errands to do and needs things to happen without a hitch to get it all done and get back to all their other responsibilities, and of course about my kids and how when I was a kid a lot of my mom’s responses where based on her mood that day, how I empathized for her now in those shrill, impatient, yelling moments because she was a military wife with her husband at sea for 6 months at a time, in a foreign country, with 2 small kids and mostly alone, how I heavily feared telling her I accidentally broke a glass which she always came down hard on me for but she let me off without a hitch that one time, how I could imagine my response varying with my own kids based on my mood. Reflecting on that empathy reflex to get through and possibly use when I feel my fireball lighting up, me ready to throw it into their face for taking out their bad mood, bad day, or impatient attitude on me.
I thought about church last weekend. A new church I am trying out and how the service talked about how irritation is like an oyster making a pearl. A grain of sand irritates the membrane that seals the gap of the oyster, that keeps it out of the oyster but if if it gets irritated enough the sand gets in. That all pearls in the middle are a grain of sand and the layers the oyster puts over it actually are what make it into a pearl. How irritation, like they oyster, causes us to put on more layers of patience and grace, more and more layers, and how irritation makes us all the lovelier as a result. This sermon, like an introduction to prepare me for my Week of Irritations.
I thought again about impatience and how so much is asked of everyone. Almost everyone I know is too busy, tired, and then asked to do more. That’s a normal thing. I can’t change that.
In the end, I decided I just need to be even more patient. I know if I were calm and in the place I was when I meditated daily, I would’ve easily been able to slip back, dodge the bullet, and still walk gracefully and dutifully forward without much more than a small sigh and a kind word to subdue their reaction. I’m part of that impatient world and I can be it too. In the past, maybe a few years ago, I would think why do I need to be the more patient one? The higher road one, the one with the responsibility to be better when I did nothing wrong? But now, I think, its my job to be the more patient one, to step back and not take it personal. Its something I need to learn.
So. Taking another breath and moving onto tomorrow. Maybe taking more time to myself to compensate for the lack of time the world will not have for me. Another day.
momanddogs 